My list of odd things that happened this weekend.

1.) The date with the 19 year old.  WTF??? Chick-a-dees, if I ever mention that I have a date with a 19 year old, you must tell me to cancel it, no if, ands or buts.  This was a joke. Start to finish joke. P.S. When you are 19, you really haven't lived enough years to have been Joe Biden's personal assistant, written and published 4 novels, been an executive at a large scale grocery chain and working on your masters degree.  Do you smell that? Smells like bull shit in my car. I wonder why?

2.) Getting drunk and playing scrabble with Vickie. Damn you Cherry Vodka.

3.) Getting relationship advice from Vickie. Hearing my ex's mother say "You need a better screening process. I think you need to run these guys past me before you go out with them." was odd and wonderful at the same time.

4.) A voicemail from my mother. I think I've made it known that I don't answer the phone when my mother calls. Mostly because I don't want her to put me on the spot and trap me into doing something horrible, like a swim party or dinner with the family. If I ignore her call, she will usually leave a message about the swim party and I have enough time to make other plans before I call her back. Sharon is wise to this plan, though, and now she just leaves messages for me to call her back.  I don't. Anyway, the second reason i don't answer the phone when my mother calls is because I always think "She is calling to tell me somebody died." Well, this weekend, I was correct.

5.) Hearing a most fascinating piece on "This American Life."  If you aren't listening to this program, you should start.  Its great.

My list of minor things that irritate me

1.) my chart. This is not correct people. The program's name is called MyChart. I can access MyChart to look at info in my chart. But none the less... CALL IT MYCHART.

2.) Skin colored nicotine patches.  I don't know what crazy planet these people woke up on, but that is not the color of skin. This is esp irritating because the box said clear. 

3.) Utah drivers. I know, I know, we've been here before chick-a-dees, but really. I don't get why, where there is construction, normal and safe driving rules go out the window. And, then you have guys like me who are trying to be safe and drive and text and it makes it really hard when you are driving like a jack ass.  Yes, JWN, the Mexican Jumping bean is still in full effect.

4.) Not being able to figure out where the anger towards Sharon comes from. I know this is going to be an issue for the brain-witch, and its not going to go well.

5.) Feelin' the itch to say hello to Seroth again.

My list of random things about me

1.) Out of the three of them, Bitch-face is the most like me. Very pretty, straight up bitch, likes to cuddle at night and most importantly if she doens't want to be touched or intereacted with, you better back the F up.

2.) I, for some reason, seem to be very angry at my mother.  It has been brought to my attention that I make a sport out of making her life miserable.  I just don't want to let her "win".

3.) I really hope to one day find my very own "donkey lady". I'm looking at you for that one, Michael Hall.

4.) I enjoy a good drink, not a good drunk.

5.) I don't understand, nor am I going to make any effort to understand, Google+.

My list of good things

1.) Completing the lions share of my Christmas shopping. Thank god for you, BestBuy.com

2.) Going out tonight and being excited for it.

3.) Maybe, just maybe, finding a group of people to game with.

4.) Sitting out side, on my porch, and Stella the Cat snuggling in to my robe and purring herself back to sleep.

5.) All of my kids. Bitch-face, Oscar and Stella.

My list of fictional people to whom I have been compared.

1.) 

Regina George from Mean Girls.  I was told this because, apparently, I stop around like I own the place, make everybody's life miserable and yet people still want to be my friend.  Im most proud of this comparison.

2.)

Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's.  Because she is a complete drunken mess who doesn't really care about any one or anything. She uses people as she sees fit and doesn't care.  And she chain smokes.  I would like the comparison was made because I could pull of a tiara and the Givencey dress.

3.)

Sheldon from the big bang theroy.  I have no idea who this is.

4.)

Miranda Priestly.  I thought this one was just plain rude.  Plus, I could never aspire to be as horrible and wonderful as Miranda.But, I've been told that some of my comments to coworkers, family and friends are really viciously biting.  

My list of facebook status updates, if I still had a facebook profile.

1.) Joshua Loveless was at Pat's BBQ with D'Nell Gilespie

2.) If I had just one piece of wisdom to impart to future generations, it would probably be unspeakably filthy.

3.)Unfortunately for my dream of having multiple gorgeous sex partners, attitudes toward sex have become much more open-minded just as attitudes toward nutrition and personal hygiene go right down the tubes.

4.) Is it a bad sign if, when in therapy, I refer to Sharon as "that woman"?

5.) Should I be pissed, or relieved, that my date for Saturday failed his drug test and will be therefore unavailable to go out? 

My list of crypitc riddles about my life

1.) Is there a chance I will follow in his footsteps?

2.)

3.) Ok, so maybe there is some one I am falling love with.  He's a complete mess with some baggage... but, I think he is ok.

My list of things that have annoyed me.

1.) The beency pony was not at the fair. We all know I love the Utah State Fair. What do I love most, you ask? The beency pony. That done be one small pony, chick-a-dees, and I love it. I kind of want to put it in my pocket and take it home. I would imagine the beency pony is probably really fun. But, alas, no beency pony.  My fair experience is not complete.

2.) A certain person who is doing something stupid.

3.) Myself, for being annoyed at a certain person. I'm mostly annoyed because I specifically did not want this situation to happen. And yet, here I am. Annoyed.

4.) Not knowing at what point, when after meeting somebody, do you deserve honesty from them?

5.) The fact that I didn't find out until after I had left, that someone is selling Rocky Mountain Oysters at the fair.

My list of things I simply don't understand

1.) Why is it, at 12:30 a.m. and after 2 margaritas, at least 4 Vodka tonics and a beer, did my brain think that three tequila shots in a row would be a good idea?

2.) What is it with Utah people and eating fried shit at the Utah state fair? I know, we have talked about this before, but I still don't get it.  Deep fried butter? Deep fried fresh fruit? Deep fried bacon stuffed twinkies? I don't get it. I think next year someone is going to sell just straight up deep fried garbage. 

3.) Why in the world would anybody ever invent some thing as repulsive as a Camel Crush cigarette? The better question is, why would my brain, in its drunken stupor, decide these are the best cigarettes in the world and think we should buy a weeks supply?

4.) My mother.

My list of Facebook status updates, if I still had a Facebook Profile.

1.) So yes. It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart? We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a person because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love a person despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect. 

2.) I throw a good orgy, but someone always ends up getting hurt.

3.) I was in it for the thrills and never cared for fame or money, but all that changed when I discovered there are Yelp reviews for people who blow closeted businessmen down by the docks.

4.) Sometimes, I don't wanna learn, I just wanna bash the head of a zombie in and not think about it.

5.) Dill pickle breath plus an invitation to vacation with me in DC does not a third date make.

My list of good things

1.) My cup of hot coffee. I think there are few things in the morning I enjoy more than a cup of coffee.

2.) The interesting adventure I am on. I didn't have to travel this in my earlier life. I didn't learn the things that one would learn. Seeing it now, learning all this shit now, is quite interesting.

3.) The new Kelly Clarkson song. I like the song and I really like the tone of her voice.

4.) Adam Levine. He just done be pretty, ya'll.

5.) The super cool docs I've been working with.  

My list of things that made my weekend great

1.) Seeing a good friend. I'm not gonna lie about it, Chick-a-dees, it was a bit tough. But, it was really good to see him. I wish he could have stayed longer, but duty calls.

2.) Captain America. Granted, I feel asleep during the movie. I think the movie was good. But, c'mon... any movie where this is occurring

has got to be somewhat entertaining, right? Hello, Chris Evans, how are you today?

3.) Conan the Barbarian. Now this one, kiddos, was really bad. But, once again

Hello Jason Momoa, How are you today? I just have one concern. After google image searching for 5 minutes, I've determined you don't take a good picture, Mr. Momoa, but you done be sexy in the movie.

4.) A hug and a kiss.

My list of of questions I am asking myself.

1.) Am I a cougar? What exactly does it take for one to become a cougar? What age difference does it take to make one a cougar?

2.) Do I really have an under current of anger lately?

3.) Can I actually offer the support he needs even though it is like offal in my mouth to do so?

4.) What should I do with my long weekend?