My list of things that have annoyed me this morning.

1.) This conversation that happened at the gym this morning... or todays addition of old people say the stupidest things:

Old Man (whom I call Peg Leg... you'd have to see him to know why): "Hey, today is the last day of June. Do you know what that means?"

Josh, with a confused look on his face: "No."

Peg Leg, in a completely serious, no nonsense tone: "It means you can't say its June again until next year."

That was acting, Thank you.

This concludes todays editions of old people say the stupidest things. I'm not making this up kids. He wasn't joking around. He was serious. He needed to make sure that I knew I can't say its June until next year. Like, for what ever reason, in the bleak mid-winter, I start telling people its June. Well, no longer. Thanks peg leg.

2.) My Weeds hangover. Yes, last nights episode was off the chain funny... seriously, ya'll... if you watched it you probably belly laughed like I did... probably one of my favorite episodes... put damn. Staying up until 11:30, whoa... that done be hard work.

3.) Wrongie McWrongerstein at the gym. This guy would not know proper from if it bit him squarely on the ass!!! I don't know why I get soooooo annoyed when I see him doing it all wrong... but I do.

4.) Being out of milk, coffee creamer and cereal. Uggggg.

5.) My severe body image issues. Seriously, ya'll... they done suck.

A list of my favorite things.

1.) Pam and Erik from Tru Blood.



These two make the show for me. They are hi-lar-ous. And, if I get to be any character from any show I want... then I am Pam.. from Tru Blood... not The Office.

2.) Getting told by a co-worker today that I get "shallower and shallower" as the days go by. I'm taking this as a compliment. Thanks Heather. Its good to know that you recognize I am better than everybody.

3.) Weeds. Its Monday folks... so its Weeds night. Bring on the Nancy Botwin.




4.) 7.8 percent body fat. Originally, this was 'snuggling by the fire during a rain storm' but then I thought 'What the hell?'. Please see list item two.

My list things I just don't understand

1.) This public out cry over the death of Michael Jackson. Don't think I am completely heartless, I do feel compassion for his family in losing a loved one... but no more or less compassion then I would feel for anybody that lost a loved one. I just simply don't understand the hulla-balloo over his passing. He was just a human folks, just like you and me. No more, no less.

2.) Why I am so scared when it comes to certain this, I am afraid... mostly of rejection. I don't get this... I don't get this and I wish I knew how to get over it.

3.) How HBO could remove the last episode of In Treatment from On Demand before I watched it. For reals... I don't know how the season ended. Ugggg.

4.) Why, when new people join an office, to the current/existing employees, go out of their @$^%##&&$ way to be overly nice and show how good and helpful. It really makes it hard for me to go out of my way to be rude and unhelpful.

5.) Why new people assume that I want to befriend them... or even be nice and chatty with them. Think again, quiet and mean... those are my people.
--

My list of things I love... about me!

1.) I love being a student body that is gazed at at the gym.

2.) My face full of fashion. I really love this about me. I wear the clothes and make the clothes look good. P.S. I'm starting a new interactive segment. Seeing as how I do have a face full of fashion (while your face is just a receptacle for fluids), I will answer any fashion question submitted to me. And I will answer with humility and love... because thats how I am. Oh, and all answers will be posted on the blog.

3.) My friends.

4.) My ability to decide when I no longer want to be friends with somebody and then move them from friend status to acquaintance status... just like that.... and we all know how acquaintances get treated... don't we? In the interest of fair warning... some of you are on the chopping block.

5.) My ass. I really have to say... my ass has been stepping it up lately. Lets give it a round of applause.

My list of things I enjoy.

1.) UUMMMMM... this spot is reserved for a list entry that would be inappropriate (due to who reads the list) to add to the list... but I really enjoy it.

2.) Express sales. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

3.) Dinners with Jen. Always fun. We should do them more often.

4.) Oatmeal from Jamba Juice. Its kinda good kids. I enjoyed it.

5.) The view from Coit tower.

My list of things that I hate!

1.) Cyclists. Sorry, Heather, but as you hate christmas... and general merriment... I HATE cyclists. Much like the horse-drawn carriages down town, cyclists are a menace and should be gotten rid of. I firmly believe that 99% of the cyclists who ride down town are, at the very least borderline retarded and at the very worst knowingly rude and inconsiderate. The term share the road applies to both... bitches.

2.) Men who, while dressing in the locker room at the gym, bend at the waist and not the knee when they need to pick something up. Its YUCKY, chick-a-dees.

3.) The guy who was drinking his coffee... IN THE SHOWER. I just discovered that I hate this. Correction... I hate anybody who eats in the bathroom... or brushes their teeth... Lynn, VP of HR I'm looking at you. Its just nasty.

4.)

5.)

My list of things I love... with one exception

1.) Fresh clean sheets on the bed. One of the simple joys in my life is making my bed with fresh clean sheets. They look so crisp and there is nothing better then climbing into bed in fresh sheets... especially sheets that have been line dried... because then they smell good.

2.)

or

or



I mean c'mon kiddos. He is so good looking it hurts... hurts so good.

3.) Good coffee. I've been drinking not so good coffee but low and behold today I found a box full of good coffee. It was fantastic.

4.) My lovely boobs. Seriously... I love my girls.

5.) One thing I don't love is burning out the triceps, before finishing my chest work out. This is not so much fun.

My list of GREAT things!

1.) He's back!!! My not so secret office crush is back!!

2.) Feeling that my team is actually operating like a team, from management on down. Its different and its better.

3.) Google Chrome. Have ya'll seen this. I done love it.

4.) Express Mens. I really really really love Express. Ima shop my heart out this weekend.

5.) My new favorite game, fortune teller. 'Tis a game that apparently only 12 year old girls play, but I love it.

A list of my favorite things for today

1.) Having a list idea fall squarely into my lap. Kids, you may not realize it, but sometimes, I have writers block and have a hard time thinking up a list for the day... often like getting blood from a stone. And then, on rare occasions, the heavens part and Cher looks down from her throne on high and drops a list right in my lap. Soooo... without further ado... I give you my experience at the gas station this morning.

2.) I'm pumping my gas and I see a hand written sign on the the door of the gas station and the sign said:

"Sorry. All fountions are out of order."

What the hell is thish wordsh? I have no idea what a "fountions" is. Then, I spy with my little eye, a sign on the second entrance to the gas station and that sign says "All soda fountions are out of order". Hmmm, says I. Ok. Then, I go into the gas station to buy a protein and then I see a fairly large, printed sign which says "All fountain drinks .59 cents". and there, large as life, taped to that sign is a hand written sign which says (and I'm not making this up kids) "Fountions are out of order".
Man, I love idiots.

3.) So, I pick out my Muscle Milk and I go to pay for it and the obviously homo-sesual attendant named Alan says "Does this help suppress your appetite, Josh?" What the....? Do I look anorexic? Do I look like I have to suppress my appetite? I told him "No, this is a post-workout recovery drink." He kind of laughs, mumbles something and then says:

4.) "Did you leave your wife at the spa? I bet you just dropped her off, didn't you?" WTF????? What the hell is this hate speech? I haven't been accused of being straight in a long time. I am buying a muscle milk wearing an Armani Exchange tank top... you do the math, Alan! Man, I love idiots.

5.) Only 30 more days to go, kids!

Announcement

Chick-a-dees:


The list is turning ONE.



Watch for further announcements! There will be a celebration... and maybe a shake up in the 'A' and 'B' list recievers.

P.S. For the blog list readers, if you would like to recieve the list via email leave me a comment with your info and its yours.

xoxo,

My list things which have had a negative impact on my morning

1.) Staying up way to late to watch Weeds. Two things on this... number one... Weeds used to be aired at 10. This season it is aired at 11. This is absolutely no bueno. When I start getting tired at 9 and I know I have to stay up for two more hours... whoa!!! Chick-a-dees... it just aint grand. Secondly, i'm pretty disturbed by this season. We'll see where it goes.

2.) The showers... correction... the lack of showers at the gym. There is no hot water available at the gym until NEXT MONDAY (WTF)... no hot water equal no shower. I just love washing my self in a bathroom sink. Its fantastic.

3.) Knowing that a fairly busy and probably shitty four weeks starts today. Lord help me.

4.) Being stiff stiff stiff all over. It just done hurt, ya'll.

5.) The fact that I don't look like this.



I know, I know, I should stop comparing myself to others... but its hard some days and today is one of those days.

My list of "suggestions".

Dear readers of the list,
This is important to me and so we are going to talk about it.

1.) I am going to judge you.



I think you all are aware of this fact. But, listening to a new iTunes download I heard the following lyric. Head to toe, let your whole body talk. (thank you RuPaul's Champion). This got me a'thinkin and whether you like it or not, head to toe, your whole body is going to talk and its up to you to think about what its saying. That's where I come in.

2.) Fix that split end, over processed mingy mange!!!! If you've not updated that hair "style" in the past decade, take your ass down to the salon and get your hair did. I'm willing to bet your stylist will charge you about the same amount to actually give it some style. You may think your hair doesnt' say anything, but a perm always says "I'm stuck in the '80s." and bad hair says always says "I don't care about myself enough to look better."

3.) Take a look at your dumb ass in the mirror before leaving the house. Just like your hair, look at how you've dressed for the day. Once again, if you've not updated any of your clothes in the past decade take your ass out shopping. Now kiddo's, we all know Josh loves a designer label, but having style doesn't have to break the bank. Here's a tip, go to the designer stores, look at colors, patterns, styles, fabrics, textures and find some that you like and then hop your ass down to your local where ever you shop and recreate some looks with similar colors, patterns, etc. Guess what? Fashion looks trickle down... even into Wal*bogs. Or, buy yourself some fashion magazines and recreate looks you like from the fashion magazine.

4.) Human beings walk, ducks waddle. As my best friend Marc-y says "I make walkin' look like modelin'. Isn't that a good attitude to have. Where ever you walk, make it a good one. Head up, shoulders back and swing those hips. If you aren't walking into a room one hip at a time, you are walking in wrong.

5.) Now you may think, what does it matter? I like the way I look. I like this disheveled, dated, mess of an appearance, and I want to look like I don't care. Well, great, but if the message you are trying to send is I don't care, then why should I care about you. Why should I care about talking to you, befriending you, dating you, hiring you, promoting, coaching or working with you? You obviously don't care, so why should I?

Look at the good I do, now get the hell out of here.

My list of things that I take umbridge with

1.) People who ask me about my night/weekend/plans/etc, just so I will ask them about their night/weekend/plans.

2.) People who, even when I've not asked, will tell me about their night/weekend/plans. For some reason, these people obviously operate under the mistaken idea that I give a shit.

3.) People who, while regaling me with the super exciting tales of their night/weekend/plans, drop in random tidbits with out explanation in the hopes of getting me to ask about said random tidbit.

For example, consider the following dramatic scene:

Sad depressing one: "G'morning Josh. How was your night?"

Josh: (Full body shudder. Ponders what is the very least he can say that will not result in a conversation.) "It was great."

Sad depressing one: ...

Sad depressing one: ...

Sad depressing one: ...

Josh acts relieved. Maybe no conversation will follow.

Sad depressing one: "My night was great. I had a really tasty dinner."

Josh: ignores comment in its entirety.

Sad depressing one: ...

Sad depressing one: ...

Sad depressing one: ... ... ... Yeah, I really wanted some good food. I I bar-b-qued up some buffalo burgers. (Sad depressing one adds extra emphasis on the 's' in burgers... obviously to indicate he made more then one.)

Josh: Sips from his coffee cup and prays to Cher that the conversation stops here.

Sad depressing one: ...

Sad depressing one: ...

Sad depressing one: ... "Yep, they were good burgers. My friend really liked them, too."

Josh: 'Sigh' (quite loudly I might add)

Sad depressing one: ...

Sad depressing one: ...

Sad depressing one: ...

Sad depressing one: "Yep, she thought they were delicious."

Josh: Rubs temples and ponders saying "I'm glad she "enjoyed" them. Hopefully the burger had cooled off a bit when you put the burger up to her preformed mouth and let her "take a bite", because if not, the heat might have melted her face and popped her and that would really have put a crimp in your evening." Instead, Josh walks away.

[End scene] That was acting. Thank you!

My list of things you should be doing.

1.) Watching So you think you can dance. I'm not kidding, kids. If you aren't watching this, do your self a favor and start watching. This isn't like other talent shows with a bunch of ego driven prima donnas whose talent is debatable (I'm looking at you, Idol). These people have true talent, humility and are beautiful to watch.

2.) Telling me how great I am. I'm having a day... so sue me if I need to hear it.

3.) Listening to the new RuPaul CD Champion. I get it, RuPaul might not be your thing, but the CD is really good.


4.) You should be excited and/or jealous of my San Francisco trip.

5.) Really, kids, just start watching the damn dancing show.

My list of great things

1.) Reconnecting with old friends and remembering what a positive influence that person was in your life. I had a great time Sammy!! Lets not lose touch again.

2.) The weekend finally being here. I dont' know about ya'll, but this was a looooong week and its good that its over.

3.) My sister, who's birthday is today. Don't ask me how old... I'm not that good.

4.) Size 29 jeans, and being able to wear them comfortably.

5.) Wearing said size 29 jeans to a family party tonight. Lets just hope grand pa dean doesn't say "God, you're getting husky." again.

My list of things that I find unacceptable.

1.) Any food establishment that advertises that the meal is over one pound of food. Case in point, advertisement for a Hawaiian restaurant advertising each of their meals is called a "pounder plate" because you get over one pound of meat. MEAT? Over a pound of meat? Or, Pizza Hut, which sells something called a P'zone (whatever the hell that is) that is over one pound food. REALLY? Listen, United States Americans, we do not need to be eating over one pound of food in one setting. Really, we don't. That fact that over a pound of food is advertised shocks me because I know there are people out there that will seek out that much food and eat the whole damn pound of meat. STOP!!!!

2.) Any food establishment that advertises the meals are "all you can eat". Listen, United States Americans, we do not need to be eating all we can eat - we are not bears. How about eat a reasonable amount and call it good.

3.) The KFC bowl of food. Why is it acceptable now to just pile all of the food I would eat individually, in a bowl now and give me a spoon. REALLY? Whats next, the McDonalds hands-free feed bag?

4.) Watching a woman inhale two cupcakes this morning at Dans and then say the following to her friend "I just don't like cereal for breakfast." I interpret from that that what she does like for breakfast is saturated fat and lard frosting, which she got all over her face and in her hair.

My list of things I am currently excited about:

1.) Birthday dinner at The Stinking Rose. Not kidding, ya'll... this place is the greatest. If you choose to come to San Francisco with me, we will be going to The Stinking Rose for dinner.

2.) The Sims 3. I'll admit, I do love The Sims franchise. If you are a gamer at all, check out The Sims.

3.) The fact that I was able to salvage some of the "I hate Michele beard". I done almost shaved off the whole I still hate Michele beard. That would have been drastic, ya'll... DRASTIC. Don't worry, though, I still have part of it.

4.)

5.) Mike's trip to London. Mike is going on a trip to London and other nefarious parts of England. I am excited for him and think he is going to have a gay... errr... grand ole' time.

My list of things that are making this Monday a total Monday.

1.) The department meeting from hell that makes me long for my old job back.
Seriously, I truly believe, that the 9th circle of hell, is this meeting.



2.) That it is not 47 days from today.

3.) The looming knowledge that 11 new people will be joining the department. 11! 11 people that I am going to have to pretend care about and pretend to be interested when they try to get to know me. I don't know why people think I am joking when I make it clear that I really don't like people. I really Really REALLY don't. I may choose to like you in the future... don't' hold your breath... but you start off on the bottom to me. Don't come and be my friend or even try. Go away and leave me be and realize that quiet and mean, those are my people.