My list of dedications to him, the only one that matters.

1.) Eurythmics - When tomorrow comes.

And you know, that I'm gonna be the one, who'll be there when you need some one, when tomorrow comes.

2.) Adele - One and Only

I know it aint easy, giving up your heart.

3.) Kelly Clarkson - I want you

Hot temper with the shortest fuse, you're such a mess with an attitude.... I want you.

4.) Will Young & Gareth Gates - The long and winding road.

 You left me standing here, a long long time ago. Don't leave me waiting here. Lead me to your door.

5.) Florence + the Machine - Cosmic Love

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too. So I stayed in the darkness with you.

My list random shit.

1.) I am, right now, wearing an I <3 MyChart sticker.

2.) Sometimes, I forget to put my car in gear and put the emergency brake on. Sometimes, this results in my car rolling into traffic. Ok, it only happened one time... leave me alone.

3.) The oxygen level in my blood is 97%. I think the other 3% is nicotine and tar. Either way, my oxygen level is better than Travis Smart.

4.) I've been going out on dates. Im not sure I really wanna date, but I'm going out none-the-less.

5.) I do not like female condoms.

My list of things that made my weekend GREAT!!

1.) Swim party with my family. Sure, I may have been shit balls drunk. But, it was great. I had a great time. Thanks, Nan!!! And next time... a date will come in tow.

2.) A fantastic date last night. Great guy. Very good looking and some wonderful conversation. I had a great time.

3.) Spending quality time with my kids.

4.) Having once agian a fantastic time with my family. The swim party was great, but just being with my family. I don't know if it was the booze, but being with all o' them, I think it was the first time I've really felt happy in a while.

5.) Watching Katie Holmes die in that dreadful "Don't be afraid of the dark" movie.

My list of facebook status updates, if I still had facebook.

1.) This is a gift. It comes with a price. The scales must be balanced.

2.) I was a heavy heart to carry.

3.) Why did I wait so long to download the Florence + the Machine album.

4.) Who is to be my Denna?

My list of things D'Nell and I will discuss at dinner.

1.) Why D'Nell is hung up on someone else's vaccination beliefs. D'Nell and I will discuss. I am sure I will laugh my ass off as D'Nell explains this one.

2.)My religious awakening or crisis of faith. Or, maybe, its a crisis because I'm having faith. Who knows. I think this will take most of the time. I know D'Nell and she loves to talk about stuff like this.

3.) The dreaded friend dumping. I did this. We will discuss.

4.) I will answer the question D'Nell posed that I told her I wouldn't answer.

My list of things I am pondering.

1.) Do I actually owe him what he wants? I, based upon our history, don't think I owe him a god damned thing. But, he seems to think I owe him ________________. I don't think I do. And yet, I'm pondering.

2.) Does participating in a special fast, mean I agree with the reason for the special fast? 

3.) Why are somethings so hard to figure out, but once you "get it", you think "well, thats not so hard?"

4.) Why, when you know a new way of thinking is a healthier way of being, does your brain resist it so hard?

5.) Did I intentionally make this list cryptic and confusing? What do you think?

My list of things of which I am proud

1.) Six a day. Six a day, people. Little victories, but I am going to take it. That means a smoke every three hours. And sometimes, at the end of the third hour, I am not fit for human interaction. But, none the less, six a day.

2.) Some recent emotional/psychological/mental breakthroughs.  I done figured some shit out Chick-a-dees. Time to let some things go. I've had some pretty significant moments where things are just clear. My life is not all completely fixed and perfect, but I can see a path towards happiness. When I was in seminary a teacher once said that it was moments like these when the veil was lifted, if only for a bit. I recently found out my father has been adding my name to the prayer roles at the temple. Maybe its helping, because I think God is listening. Why do I think this, you ask? Because God (or somebody up there... maybe the Arch Angel Michael cause he seems like a bad ass.) and I have been a'talkin.

3.) Surviving the storm.

My list of things I quite enjoy

1.) A new addition to my personal philosophy "Speak your truth and don't spread your poison."

2.) Sterling Mallory Archer. The show and the man.

3.) Making friends and finding people to enrich my life. 

4.) Reminders, found in unlikely spots, that there are good people in the world.

My list of things that made this week great.

1.) Finding my way back to the list. I've missed it.

2.) Letting the emotions out. I could only hold those suckers in for so long. This was the week they all came out to play.

3.) The peace that comes from letting people see you stripped down, with no defenses, and experience your raw and unforgiving emotions. Holding nothing back and being real, authentic, open and honest. It was hard and easy at the same time. Vulnerability has never been an easy pill to swallow for me. Those close to me know I do a shit ton of stuff and spend a shit ton of energy to prevent myself from being vulnerable. There is a certain level of calm amongst the storm, when one just gives up all defenses and says "This is me. This is who I really am."

4.) Dinner with my brother and his family.

5.) Completing the entire Smurf village.

My list of things I want to rediscover about me in my quest to find myself ~ Dedicated to one D'Nell Gillespie

1.) My family. Somewhere along the way, I lost my family. The relationships aren't close. The bond that I feel as though should share, I am missing. I am going to discover them. I started by having dinner with my brother and his family. Next, my sister and her husband.

2.) My truth. I need to discover what is actually true for me. What are my non-negotiables? 

3.) Things that make me truly happy. The reverse of this would be letting go of the things that don't make me happy. And with this one, I've already started.

4.) Figuring out how to pin the buttons on my own jacket. This one is going to be a tough one.

My list of recent status up dates if I still had a Facebook profile


1.) The things I do for love.

2.) SMURFETTE!!!!

3.) Remember Dorothy.

4.) Josh Loveless always has and always will deal in complete sets.

5.) Jessica Rabbitt said it right when she said "He makes me laugh."

My list of things I've learned recently

1.) I have no empathy. I've discovered that I don't recognize nor understand the feelings of others. One step further, I don't recognize how my actions (whether positive or negative) can have an impact on others (whether positive or negative). Most people don't comment on the positive things, but it is the negative actions that pose a problem. I don't know how I became this way. I don't know if losing empathy was a survival technique or I just never really had it to begin with. I decided to try to find empathy (like I hid it beneath my bed somewhere), but a good friend told me that would be a waste of time. I wonder.

2.) I need to hold a mirror up to my life more often. I recognized an issue that I felt a friend of mine was having. After talking to him for a bit, I began to see that I have disengaged (emotionally, mentally and physically) from the most important people in my life. It was a powerful thing to see. Disengaging from family and friends from a distance is easy to understand. Disengaging from family and friends when they live 15 minutes away is not so easy to understand.

3.) Sending a long overdue email was hard, but worth it. An email was sent, an explanation was offered, and an apology was given.

4.) Those that are important will always be there. I will always be there for him, whether he knows it or not. But, others, whom I love, will always be there for me. No matter how hard I may have pushed them away.

5.) I might be in love with Ezio.

My list of the things I do for love.

1.) Drives to the ER at 10 pm.

2.) Let him go. Isn't there some old adage about If you love something set it free...

3.) Love him through his success. Its easy to love someone through their failures, harder to love them through their successes. Think about it.

4.) Let her in. Even if it is just a peak at a time.

5.) Shut it all down and tell him its O.k. to reboot sometimes. Those that matter most will still be there when you get back.