#8 Brian

I've known Brian for 15 years. Brian and I met on America Online (Remember those days?) when we were both very young. I have stayed in contact with Brian for 15 years and he has been there for most of my roller coaster and I have been there for his. We decided that we needed to finally meet. And what better place to meet someone than in Disneyland.

Lets be honest. I was going to Disneyland. Its been 5 years since I was there and I just wanted to go. I invited Brian to meet me there.

I had a great time. Brian is interesting, funny and pretty attractive. It wasn't weird. It was just like two old friends meeting and hanging out. There was no agenda and there was no expectation for anything.  I had to mentally prepare myself for this trip because I really didn't want to go out there and have some expectation  of some fantastically romantic time. The reality is, Brian lives in Burbank and I live in Salt Lake City. I really do not want to attempt anything long distance. AT ALL. Third time is not the charm on that.  I was very nervous going out there to see Brian. I didn't want anything to progress to the point of a long distance relationship. I didn't want to have a fantastically wonderful time, fall madly in love and then come back to be rejected with in a week. So, I prepared myself to just be friends with him.

I think I prepared myself a little to well. Brian wanted the trip to be romantic and wonderful. He tried really hard to make it such. Unfortunately, the little voice in my head prevented me from getting to the same level Brian did.  We had a great time. It was like a four day long date and one of the best dates I've been on in a while, but emotionally, I just didn't feel it.

It was probably Ok that I didn't feel it because I could have been really pissed off by a couple things. Number 1.) Brian runs his own business and he is pretty successful at it. This leads to Brian having to work, ALOT. In fact, the day I got out there, Brian picked me up from the airport and took me to Disneyland, dropped me off and then went to work. I spent my first day in Disneyland by myself. This isn't so bad as I am fairly good at vacationing by myself. I am also fairly good at getting drunk by myself. And let me tell you this, Chick-a-Dess, being drunk in Disneyland is an item that is no longer on my bucket list. After Brian got to the hotel Wednesday night, around 1 AM, he really didn't stop working. He took sales calls the whole time I was there. I heard a lot of "Let me just take this call. It will only be 5 minutes." More like 20. I eventually got to the point where I just walked off and told him I would be back. I could have been pissed off that I was sitting around waiting for him to take calls. I wasn't.

Number 2.) Brian goes to Disneyland a lot. Probably once or twice a week. He has ridden everything ALOT. Therefore, he wasn't to keen on riding stuff. I heard "Thats to jerky." or "That one is to fast." or "Lets just find one where we can sit." the whole trip. I hadn't been to Disneyland in five years, so jerky or not, I want my fat ass on those rides. So, I ended up riding most things by myself. In fact, during the four days I was there, Brian and I only rode four rides together. FOUR. 1.) Soarin' over california. 2.) That Toy Story thing in DCA 3.) Story book land. 4.) The little Mermaid.  Good thing I'm ok to vacation by myself and have no shame saying "Yes, Im a single rider."

All in all, it was a great trip. I had a fantastic time. I just wish I could feel the same way about Brian as he does for me.

# 7 Ken

Ken was balding, boring and uninteresting.

Ken probably had interesting things to say, but the weird thinning hair and the oddly hairy neck just kind of turned me off.

My sister, Robyn, and I like to quote lines from some of our favorite TV shows. One of our favorites involves a man who is on a date with a woman who has an unusually large head. The man cannot get over the size of this woman's head.  He is on the date mentally telling himself attractive features she has. His internal dialouge goes something like this.

"Nice smile. Pretty eyes. Looks good in the dress. BIG HEAD BIG HEAD BIG HEAD."

I think this is what I was like on my date with #7.

"Interesting. He works in IT. Cool. He likes video games. Neat, he... WEIRD BALD HAIR PATTERN."

It just didn't work out OK.

Im sure he was nice, but not for me.

#6 JD

JD was interesting. I think he was interesting, mostly, because he was a compulsive liar. JD, you are from a small town in central Utah. Its just not possible you had that much sex in high school. More on this later.

JD was actually a pretty attractive fellow. Tall. Nice build. Great smile. We had been chatting via text for a couple weeks and decided to go to a local gastro-pub for a beer and a hamburger. JD started of well by being punctual. That was a good thing. JD was interesting to talk to, shared interesting stories about his life and seemed interested in mine.

Then the lies started. I guess I shouldn't accuse him of lying, but these yarns he was a-spinning did seem quite a bit fanciful. I don't believe there is a super hot guy in the office, that is married with two kids, whom hits on every girl in the office and then comes to your place on the weekend so you two can work one out. I don't beleive this same individual goes to gay bars every Friday and Saturday night and dances in only his garments. I do not believe this same individual is really well endowed. I don't believe any of this because I do not believe this man is real.

I do not believe that your younger brother caught you having sexual relations with the straight star high school quarter back and a vaccuum cleaner and I do not believe that your younger brother blackmailed you with such information for 2,3,5 years. Yes, chick-a-dees, the story of how long he was black mailed changed.

I do not believe you had sex with the several members of the straight high school swimming/diving team (all at different times) in the corn fields.

I do not believe you found out you were allergic to corn by having sex with the straight high school gym coach in your parents barn.

These are just some of the wild tales told by JD.  It seemed as though JD had read some porn mag stories before he came on the date. I was not impressed.

There was also a tale involving a goat.  I'll spare you.

# 5 Jonathan

I feel as though Jonathan found his way though a loop hole.  I've known Jonathan for a while. I actually met Jonathan and his boyfriend one night for drinks at a local bar. Both seemed like very nice guys. Then they broke up. I didn't really have any iterest in seeing Jonathan again.  But, Jonathan asked me out after I started the grand plan.  I felt as though the rules compelled me to agree.

I asked what he wanted to do and just specified that I wanted something low key.  Jonathan suggested I come to his place and we could watch a movie or play X-Box. I know the rules of the grand experiment state that I don't meet at someone's home, but I felt ok breaking the rule seeing as how I had met him before.

Jonathan told me not to eat before hand because he had a pizza for us to eat.  I get to Jonathan's condo and he invites me in. I'm hungry and say lets eat.  Now, maybe I was confused, but I was expecting a hot, freshly delivered pizza... not pizza left overs from a party he had three days ago.  Strike one.

After eating the disgusting pizza, I suggested we play X-Box.  I'm annoyed about the pizza situation so I just want to get this over with.  He tells me to put in any game I want.  I find a game, put it in and invite Jonathan to play. He says no.  He just wants to watch me play. Creepy. What the hell is this about? Playing a video game is fun when I am by myself, but having some one watch me play kind of creeped me out.  Strike two.

We decide to watch a movie and I select a film I've never seen called "30 days of night". Its a pretty cool vampire flick. I am sitting on the couch, minding my own business, when all of a sudden Jonathan pulls me down to lay next to him on the couch. Spooning is great and all, but not when I feel like I am almost going to fall off the couch. Also, not so great when I'm annoyed about the pizza situation and the watching me play weirdness.

I know I am sounding really bitchy, and maybe I am. But here is the thing that really killed it. And maybe the other two things didn't bug me as much until this next thing started occuring. And this thing is inexcusable.

He burped... a lot.  Now remember, we are laying, with me as the little spoon, on his couch. His big head is right behind mine. So, chick-a-dees, where do you suppose that vile burp gas went.  You guessed it, right in to my face.  It was awful. C'mon, who open mouth burps on a date these days? But, more importantly, who does it when you have some one else in close proximity to that vileness that is coming out of your mouth. I had nowhere to go. I'm clinging for dear life to the edge of the couch and every time he would open that  portal to hell, i knew another one of those nasty burp bombs was coming my way. STRIKE 3.

#4 Aaron

I think Aaron is proof that two people can go get coffee, have a great time, but know that we will never see each other again.

Aaron was a nice man whom I met at a local coffee shop.  We both had plans later that night so it wasn't to be a long coffee date. Mostly, we were just going to sit, chat, hang out and then go our way.  And, this is essentially what happened.  Aaron seemed like a nice fellow, but I honestly had no interest in getting to know him further.  It was a date where I knew there was just nothing there on either side.  Aaron was interesting and funny.  I just wasn't feeling it.

Not much to report on this one.

#3 Matty

Matty is really cute. Matty is really fun. I enjoyed Matty's company.

Matty and I have been texting for a bit and earlier this week we decided to go out on Thursday. In a very uninspired move, Matty said we should go to a movie.  Now, I don't judge (who am I kidding, yes I do) but I decided to go and as I started searching for movies I saw that Ghostbusters was playing at Jordan Commons.  Yes, folks, the original Ghostbusters. How can you pass on oppurtunity like this up. I haven't seen Ghostbusters, in its entirety, since I saw it in a movie theater 20 years ago.  I was stoked.  So, I asked Matty if he would like to go and he agreed.

I got to the theater a bit early and I saw the greatest thing ever.  People actually dressed up in ghostbuster gear and someone has actually created a ghostbuster mobile complete with license plate that said Ecto Ut. The real live ghostbusters (jumpsuits, backpacks and ghost busting gear) were all about. I had a brief moment of horror when I realized
a.) I was underdressed
b.) they might be acting this shit out ala Rocky Horror Picture Show

Fortunately enough, they didn't act it out, but I was treated to witnessing several ghostbusters try to out nerd each other by comparing ghostbuster and ghostbusting movie trivia.

Anywho, Matty arrived and I thought he was damn cute. He was easy to talk to and was quite funny. We sat in the movie theater and judged the people that came in. All in all, we had about 30 minutes to chat before the movie started.  Talking with Matty was great because we didn't have the typical first date chat.  We just chatted like we were friends.

I can actually say that this was the first instance where I really noticed that movies can be a bad first date.  We did just sit in the movie theater and didn't talk and didn't get to know one another. I would have appreciated more time to just sit and shoot the breeze. I know now that going to a movie, and only going to the movie, on a first date can be a bad idea.  But, I'm hopeful that I will get a second date with Matty and we can spend more time talking.  But, who knows.

All in all, I had a good time. Not much to report as Matty seemed fairly normal and not totally crazy like my beautiful friend.

A list of my favorite things.

1.) The song Compass by Jamie Lidell

2.) My new piggy bank.

3.) Meeting new people via the experiement.

4.) Stella, bitch-face and Oscar.

5.) Having spilled on my clothes three days in a row. This is a lie. Its actually pissing me off right now.

#2 Ian

I actually know this one's name. Kind of refreshing.

Ian and I had been texting for about a month. No real rush to meet, but always wanting to meet. We finally decided to meet up on Tuesday night for pizza and cocktails. In text messages I always found Ian quirky, funny and somewhat charming. I was initially nervous to meet Ian because he seemed really pushy to meet me on Monday night. But, I agreed. Also, I have a problem of not getting second dates. I guess its not a problem, but its something I just don't understand. I go out with someone, we have a great time and then they disappear of the face of the earth. Weird. It is one thing I am going to discover in this 100 dates.

So, I must admit, I broke one of the rules already. I really did not want to go out for another awkward dinner date where I pretend (yes, I am to the point of pretending) to care about what people do for fun or pretending that my job is interesting. I didn't want another one of those, so I consented to meet at Ian's house for said pizza, movie and cocktails.

Now, before you get all judgemental on me, I know what "watch a movie at my place" actually means in the gay culture. For those of you that don't, it means watch the first five minutes of a movie and then uncomfortably grind on each other for a while leading to some form of unsatisfying sex. I was not going to do this with Ian. I made up my mind before hand.

I got to Ian's in Magna. Honestly, I was a bit worried. I was in Magna. I wasn't sure if I was coming out of that home in my clothes, or in body bags. I texted my friend Chelsey and told her the address, just in case I didn't show up for work the next day.

Ian turned out to be really cute and really funny. He "got" my sense of humor. He had a similar sense of humor. I enjoyed that... alot. We watched The Amityville Horror. The Ryan Reynolds one. Stupid movie, but Ryan looked hot. Ian and I were snarky and judgemental the whole movie and it was fun. We got a bit drunk and laughed a lot. We did not grind and we did not have sex. I left at 9 proud of myself. Seems like a successful date. I don't know if I will see him again. With my history, I probably wont. But, at least I had a fun night.

#1 My Beautiful Friend

This gentleman will now and forevermore be referred to as 'My Beautiful friend'. I am calling him my beautiful friend not for any physical reason. I am calling him this for two reasons:

1.) This is what he calls me. Even though he knows my name and I have reiterated that my name is Josh and he doesn't need to keep calling me is beautiful friend. He continues to call me this.

2.) I don't know his name. I have no idea.

My beautiful friend started off normal. We met online, we chatted, we exchanged numbers. We texted every once in a while and we made up in the air plans to eventually meet each other. I finally consented to meet him, knowing that the experiment was starting. This is where things started going awry. After deciding to meet for dessert he began to tell me how nervous he was to meet me and that he always gets nervous when meeting beautiful people he is very interested in. I tried to head this situation off at the pass by saying things like "Don't be nervous. I'm just a normal guy. No more, no less." and "It might be a good idea to take all thoughts of romance out of meeting. We can just meet as friends and enjoy each others company. That way, if things don't work out we are not let down." This didn't work. This failed miserably. His response "U are so intelegent and smart and wise beyond ur yers, my beautiful friend. U are so deep. I'm even more nervous now. :):):):):):):):)" Direct quote.

So, Im already a little turned off, but I can't break my own rules on the first try, so I meet him for dessert at the cheesecake factory.

He brought me a rose. A single rose. What is this? 1992? I understand he was trying to be sweet and charming. I was trying not to throw up in my mouth. He said he always brings his first dates a rose as his grandmother raises him to be a gentleman. It seems like his grandmother raised him to be a little bit creepy.

Aside from the rose, he was actually an interesting guy to talk to. He collects cars, loves Las Vegas, has a condo in Murray and I honestly don't remember the rest of what we talked about. He seemed to agree with me when I stated that I wasn't looking to jump into anything. I'm not looking to identify my eternal companion on the first date. I mean, I don't go to the temple, so its kind of hard for me to have visions of my eternal companion in the celestial room. I'm kinda flying blind here. But, I'm also not going to rule some one out on the first date either. I'm just looking to make friends and let things mature over time. He agreed with all of that and said he was doing the same. I think he lied.

We talked for an hour or so and then I told him I had to go. He was nice and walked me to my car. This was a good thing. Guys rarely walk me to my car. I like that.

As is custom in the gay community, I gave him a hug to say thanks. He bear hugged me back, and did that arch your back thing where he lifted me up. What the hell? This was not ok. We said Good bye.

All in all, he was on Ok guy. There have been numerous text messages, all with that saccharine sweet "My beautiful man. I have a smile on my face because of you" tone.

He did seem like a good guy who just wants to find some one to love him back. I know there are people out there that would eat his approach up with a spoon. I'm just not that girl.

The experiment and the rules.

I am going to go on 100 dates. I guess I am doing this not so much to meet someone, but just learn more about myself. Ha. I will blog about each of the dates... all 100 of them. I am in no rush to meet my enternal companion. I am in a rush to meet new people and have my life enriched by knowing them.

The rules are this:

1.) I will, using various online applications (Grindr, Match.com and OkCupid), talk to anyone that talks to me or responds to me. ANYONE!! I will also go out with anyone that asks, or agrees to go out.

2.) The dates will be dutch, unless agreed upon before hand.

3.) The dates will always be a public place.

I'm going to blog about each of these experiences. Hold on tight, kids. Its going to be a bumpy ride.

My list of odd things that happened this weekend.

1.) The date with the 19 year old.  WTF??? Chick-a-dees, if I ever mention that I have a date with a 19 year old, you must tell me to cancel it, no if, ands or buts.  This was a joke. Start to finish joke. P.S. When you are 19, you really haven't lived enough years to have been Joe Biden's personal assistant, written and published 4 novels, been an executive at a large scale grocery chain and working on your masters degree.  Do you smell that? Smells like bull shit in my car. I wonder why?

2.) Getting drunk and playing scrabble with Vickie. Damn you Cherry Vodka.

3.) Getting relationship advice from Vickie. Hearing my ex's mother say "You need a better screening process. I think you need to run these guys past me before you go out with them." was odd and wonderful at the same time.

4.) A voicemail from my mother. I think I've made it known that I don't answer the phone when my mother calls. Mostly because I don't want her to put me on the spot and trap me into doing something horrible, like a swim party or dinner with the family. If I ignore her call, she will usually leave a message about the swim party and I have enough time to make other plans before I call her back. Sharon is wise to this plan, though, and now she just leaves messages for me to call her back.  I don't. Anyway, the second reason i don't answer the phone when my mother calls is because I always think "She is calling to tell me somebody died." Well, this weekend, I was correct.

5.) Hearing a most fascinating piece on "This American Life."  If you aren't listening to this program, you should start.  Its great.

My list of minor things that irritate me

1.) my chart. This is not correct people. The program's name is called MyChart. I can access MyChart to look at info in my chart. But none the less... CALL IT MYCHART.

2.) Skin colored nicotine patches.  I don't know what crazy planet these people woke up on, but that is not the color of skin. This is esp irritating because the box said clear. 

3.) Utah drivers. I know, I know, we've been here before chick-a-dees, but really. I don't get why, where there is construction, normal and safe driving rules go out the window. And, then you have guys like me who are trying to be safe and drive and text and it makes it really hard when you are driving like a jack ass.  Yes, JWN, the Mexican Jumping bean is still in full effect.

4.) Not being able to figure out where the anger towards Sharon comes from. I know this is going to be an issue for the brain-witch, and its not going to go well.

5.) Feelin' the itch to say hello to Seroth again.

My list of random things about me

1.) Out of the three of them, Bitch-face is the most like me. Very pretty, straight up bitch, likes to cuddle at night and most importantly if she doens't want to be touched or intereacted with, you better back the F up.

2.) I, for some reason, seem to be very angry at my mother.  It has been brought to my attention that I make a sport out of making her life miserable.  I just don't want to let her "win".

3.) I really hope to one day find my very own "donkey lady". I'm looking at you for that one, Michael Hall.

4.) I enjoy a good drink, not a good drunk.

5.) I don't understand, nor am I going to make any effort to understand, Google+.

My list of good things

1.) Completing the lions share of my Christmas shopping. Thank god for you, BestBuy.com

2.) Going out tonight and being excited for it.

3.) Maybe, just maybe, finding a group of people to game with.

4.) Sitting out side, on my porch, and Stella the Cat snuggling in to my robe and purring herself back to sleep.

5.) All of my kids. Bitch-face, Oscar and Stella.

My list of fictional people to whom I have been compared.

1.) 

Regina George from Mean Girls.  I was told this because, apparently, I stop around like I own the place, make everybody's life miserable and yet people still want to be my friend.  Im most proud of this comparison.

2.)

Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's.  Because she is a complete drunken mess who doesn't really care about any one or anything. She uses people as she sees fit and doesn't care.  And she chain smokes.  I would like the comparison was made because I could pull of a tiara and the Givencey dress.

3.)

Sheldon from the big bang theroy.  I have no idea who this is.

4.)

Miranda Priestly.  I thought this one was just plain rude.  Plus, I could never aspire to be as horrible and wonderful as Miranda.But, I've been told that some of my comments to coworkers, family and friends are really viciously biting.  

My list of facebook status updates, if I still had a facebook profile.

1.) Joshua Loveless was at Pat's BBQ with D'Nell Gilespie

2.) If I had just one piece of wisdom to impart to future generations, it would probably be unspeakably filthy.

3.)Unfortunately for my dream of having multiple gorgeous sex partners, attitudes toward sex have become much more open-minded just as attitudes toward nutrition and personal hygiene go right down the tubes.

4.) Is it a bad sign if, when in therapy, I refer to Sharon as "that woman"?

5.) Should I be pissed, or relieved, that my date for Saturday failed his drug test and will be therefore unavailable to go out? 

My list of crypitc riddles about my life

1.) Is there a chance I will follow in his footsteps?

2.)

3.) Ok, so maybe there is some one I am falling love with.  He's a complete mess with some baggage... but, I think he is ok.

My list of things that have annoyed me.

1.) The beency pony was not at the fair. We all know I love the Utah State Fair. What do I love most, you ask? The beency pony. That done be one small pony, chick-a-dees, and I love it. I kind of want to put it in my pocket and take it home. I would imagine the beency pony is probably really fun. But, alas, no beency pony.  My fair experience is not complete.

2.) A certain person who is doing something stupid.

3.) Myself, for being annoyed at a certain person. I'm mostly annoyed because I specifically did not want this situation to happen. And yet, here I am. Annoyed.

4.) Not knowing at what point, when after meeting somebody, do you deserve honesty from them?

5.) The fact that I didn't find out until after I had left, that someone is selling Rocky Mountain Oysters at the fair.

My list of things I simply don't understand

1.) Why is it, at 12:30 a.m. and after 2 margaritas, at least 4 Vodka tonics and a beer, did my brain think that three tequila shots in a row would be a good idea?

2.) What is it with Utah people and eating fried shit at the Utah state fair? I know, we have talked about this before, but I still don't get it.  Deep fried butter? Deep fried fresh fruit? Deep fried bacon stuffed twinkies? I don't get it. I think next year someone is going to sell just straight up deep fried garbage. 

3.) Why in the world would anybody ever invent some thing as repulsive as a Camel Crush cigarette? The better question is, why would my brain, in its drunken stupor, decide these are the best cigarettes in the world and think we should buy a weeks supply?

4.) My mother.

My list of Facebook status updates, if I still had a Facebook Profile.

1.) So yes. It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart? We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a person because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love a person despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect. 

2.) I throw a good orgy, but someone always ends up getting hurt.

3.) I was in it for the thrills and never cared for fame or money, but all that changed when I discovered there are Yelp reviews for people who blow closeted businessmen down by the docks.

4.) Sometimes, I don't wanna learn, I just wanna bash the head of a zombie in and not think about it.

5.) Dill pickle breath plus an invitation to vacation with me in DC does not a third date make.

My list of good things

1.) My cup of hot coffee. I think there are few things in the morning I enjoy more than a cup of coffee.

2.) The interesting adventure I am on. I didn't have to travel this in my earlier life. I didn't learn the things that one would learn. Seeing it now, learning all this shit now, is quite interesting.

3.) The new Kelly Clarkson song. I like the song and I really like the tone of her voice.

4.) Adam Levine. He just done be pretty, ya'll.

5.) The super cool docs I've been working with.  

My list of things that made my weekend great

1.) Seeing a good friend. I'm not gonna lie about it, Chick-a-dees, it was a bit tough. But, it was really good to see him. I wish he could have stayed longer, but duty calls.

2.) Captain America. Granted, I feel asleep during the movie. I think the movie was good. But, c'mon... any movie where this is occurring

has got to be somewhat entertaining, right? Hello, Chris Evans, how are you today?

3.) Conan the Barbarian. Now this one, kiddos, was really bad. But, once again

Hello Jason Momoa, How are you today? I just have one concern. After google image searching for 5 minutes, I've determined you don't take a good picture, Mr. Momoa, but you done be sexy in the movie.

4.) A hug and a kiss.

My list of of questions I am asking myself.

1.) Am I a cougar? What exactly does it take for one to become a cougar? What age difference does it take to make one a cougar?

2.) Do I really have an under current of anger lately?

3.) Can I actually offer the support he needs even though it is like offal in my mouth to do so?

4.) What should I do with my long weekend?

My list of dedications to him, the only one that matters.

1.) Eurythmics - When tomorrow comes.

And you know, that I'm gonna be the one, who'll be there when you need some one, when tomorrow comes.

2.) Adele - One and Only

I know it aint easy, giving up your heart.

3.) Kelly Clarkson - I want you

Hot temper with the shortest fuse, you're such a mess with an attitude.... I want you.

4.) Will Young & Gareth Gates - The long and winding road.

 You left me standing here, a long long time ago. Don't leave me waiting here. Lead me to your door.

5.) Florence + the Machine - Cosmic Love

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too. So I stayed in the darkness with you.

My list random shit.

1.) I am, right now, wearing an I <3 MyChart sticker.

2.) Sometimes, I forget to put my car in gear and put the emergency brake on. Sometimes, this results in my car rolling into traffic. Ok, it only happened one time... leave me alone.

3.) The oxygen level in my blood is 97%. I think the other 3% is nicotine and tar. Either way, my oxygen level is better than Travis Smart.

4.) I've been going out on dates. Im not sure I really wanna date, but I'm going out none-the-less.

5.) I do not like female condoms.

My list of things that made my weekend GREAT!!

1.) Swim party with my family. Sure, I may have been shit balls drunk. But, it was great. I had a great time. Thanks, Nan!!! And next time... a date will come in tow.

2.) A fantastic date last night. Great guy. Very good looking and some wonderful conversation. I had a great time.

3.) Spending quality time with my kids.

4.) Having once agian a fantastic time with my family. The swim party was great, but just being with my family. I don't know if it was the booze, but being with all o' them, I think it was the first time I've really felt happy in a while.

5.) Watching Katie Holmes die in that dreadful "Don't be afraid of the dark" movie.

My list of facebook status updates, if I still had facebook.

1.) This is a gift. It comes with a price. The scales must be balanced.

2.) I was a heavy heart to carry.

3.) Why did I wait so long to download the Florence + the Machine album.

4.) Who is to be my Denna?

My list of things D'Nell and I will discuss at dinner.

1.) Why D'Nell is hung up on someone else's vaccination beliefs. D'Nell and I will discuss. I am sure I will laugh my ass off as D'Nell explains this one.

2.)My religious awakening or crisis of faith. Or, maybe, its a crisis because I'm having faith. Who knows. I think this will take most of the time. I know D'Nell and she loves to talk about stuff like this.

3.) The dreaded friend dumping. I did this. We will discuss.

4.) I will answer the question D'Nell posed that I told her I wouldn't answer.

My list of things I am pondering.

1.) Do I actually owe him what he wants? I, based upon our history, don't think I owe him a god damned thing. But, he seems to think I owe him ________________. I don't think I do. And yet, I'm pondering.

2.) Does participating in a special fast, mean I agree with the reason for the special fast? 

3.) Why are somethings so hard to figure out, but once you "get it", you think "well, thats not so hard?"

4.) Why, when you know a new way of thinking is a healthier way of being, does your brain resist it so hard?

5.) Did I intentionally make this list cryptic and confusing? What do you think?

My list of things of which I am proud

1.) Six a day. Six a day, people. Little victories, but I am going to take it. That means a smoke every three hours. And sometimes, at the end of the third hour, I am not fit for human interaction. But, none the less, six a day.

2.) Some recent emotional/psychological/mental breakthroughs.  I done figured some shit out Chick-a-dees. Time to let some things go. I've had some pretty significant moments where things are just clear. My life is not all completely fixed and perfect, but I can see a path towards happiness. When I was in seminary a teacher once said that it was moments like these when the veil was lifted, if only for a bit. I recently found out my father has been adding my name to the prayer roles at the temple. Maybe its helping, because I think God is listening. Why do I think this, you ask? Because God (or somebody up there... maybe the Arch Angel Michael cause he seems like a bad ass.) and I have been a'talkin.

3.) Surviving the storm.

My list of things I quite enjoy

1.) A new addition to my personal philosophy "Speak your truth and don't spread your poison."

2.) Sterling Mallory Archer. The show and the man.

3.) Making friends and finding people to enrich my life. 

4.) Reminders, found in unlikely spots, that there are good people in the world.

My list of things that made this week great.

1.) Finding my way back to the list. I've missed it.

2.) Letting the emotions out. I could only hold those suckers in for so long. This was the week they all came out to play.

3.) The peace that comes from letting people see you stripped down, with no defenses, and experience your raw and unforgiving emotions. Holding nothing back and being real, authentic, open and honest. It was hard and easy at the same time. Vulnerability has never been an easy pill to swallow for me. Those close to me know I do a shit ton of stuff and spend a shit ton of energy to prevent myself from being vulnerable. There is a certain level of calm amongst the storm, when one just gives up all defenses and says "This is me. This is who I really am."

4.) Dinner with my brother and his family.

5.) Completing the entire Smurf village.

My list of things I want to rediscover about me in my quest to find myself ~ Dedicated to one D'Nell Gillespie

1.) My family. Somewhere along the way, I lost my family. The relationships aren't close. The bond that I feel as though should share, I am missing. I am going to discover them. I started by having dinner with my brother and his family. Next, my sister and her husband.

2.) My truth. I need to discover what is actually true for me. What are my non-negotiables? 

3.) Things that make me truly happy. The reverse of this would be letting go of the things that don't make me happy. And with this one, I've already started.

4.) Figuring out how to pin the buttons on my own jacket. This one is going to be a tough one.

My list of recent status up dates if I still had a Facebook profile


1.) The things I do for love.

2.) SMURFETTE!!!!

3.) Remember Dorothy.

4.) Josh Loveless always has and always will deal in complete sets.

5.) Jessica Rabbitt said it right when she said "He makes me laugh."

My list of things I've learned recently

1.) I have no empathy. I've discovered that I don't recognize nor understand the feelings of others. One step further, I don't recognize how my actions (whether positive or negative) can have an impact on others (whether positive or negative). Most people don't comment on the positive things, but it is the negative actions that pose a problem. I don't know how I became this way. I don't know if losing empathy was a survival technique or I just never really had it to begin with. I decided to try to find empathy (like I hid it beneath my bed somewhere), but a good friend told me that would be a waste of time. I wonder.

2.) I need to hold a mirror up to my life more often. I recognized an issue that I felt a friend of mine was having. After talking to him for a bit, I began to see that I have disengaged (emotionally, mentally and physically) from the most important people in my life. It was a powerful thing to see. Disengaging from family and friends from a distance is easy to understand. Disengaging from family and friends when they live 15 minutes away is not so easy to understand.

3.) Sending a long overdue email was hard, but worth it. An email was sent, an explanation was offered, and an apology was given.

4.) Those that are important will always be there. I will always be there for him, whether he knows it or not. But, others, whom I love, will always be there for me. No matter how hard I may have pushed them away.

5.) I might be in love with Ezio.

My list of the things I do for love.

1.) Drives to the ER at 10 pm.

2.) Let him go. Isn't there some old adage about If you love something set it free...

3.) Love him through his success. Its easy to love someone through their failures, harder to love them through their successes. Think about it.

4.) Let her in. Even if it is just a peak at a time.

5.) Shut it all down and tell him its O.k. to reboot sometimes. Those that matter most will still be there when you get back.