Josh's Pink Library

So, almost one week in on the rediscovering myself journey. My friend, Careen, had her own similar journey and she called it the year of Eat, Pray, Love. I know there is a book by the same name. I didn't read it. But, Careen's journey allowed her eat more, love more and pray more. My journey makes me eat less, I still don't love many people and I never pray. So, I guess our journeys aren't that similar.

Its almost been a full week without a cigarette. Chantix is a wonderful thing. According to my iPhone app, I've saved $16.22 by not buying cigarettes. I have had a couple slip ups. I was cleaning my car and found a pack with two cigarettes in it. Do you think I threw them away. NOPE. You can bet your ass I smoked the shit out of those. The thing about Chantix is it does something, through the magic of Disney, and blocks the nicotine receptors in your brain so that you don't feel any of the goodness that comes from smoking a cigarette. So yes, did smoke the cigarettes, but really, I just felt like I was inhaling nasty tasting smoke. And, I got kind of bored. But, I still smoked them. Then, yesterday, after spending way to much time with the biggest trigger I have, my mother, I stopped at a 7-11. I wish places sold single cigarettes. I think they would make a killing. I didn't want to buy a pack of cigarettes and have an emergency stash. This just seemed like self sabotage to me. And yes, I get that it was self sabotage to be stopping for a smoke in the first place. I get it. Anyway, chick-a-dees, I bought one of those Swisher Sweet Cigar things. In case you don't know, the Swisher Sweet things are flavored cigars. They come in Cherry, Blueberry, Lemon and a whole assortment of fruity flavors. I had a friend who smoked one and I took a drag. It was NASTY. Anyway, back to my trigger point need of a smoke, I look at all the Swisher Sweet options and see one called Smooth Blak. I think "Great. Its probably not flavored. I'm in luck." I purchase said Smooth Blak and step outside to smoke my stress away. It was not fruity flavored, friend. Nope, that shit was black licorice flavored. Are you kidding me??? And I thought the Cherry one was awful. I took a couple drags and threw it away. But, c'mon, two and a half cigarettes in 5 days. That aint so bad.

I've also been eating right and tracking my food consumption. Steve the trainer would be so proud. Along with that I've been going to the gym. I'm feeling pretty good. And, I'm noticing the difference in how my clothes fit. This is always a good thing.

So, the quest to take care of me continues. At some point in time I hope to find me. He's got to be out there somewhere. My therapist told me to go to the gym and loose weight because I handled stress and seemed to be more in touch with myself when I was skinnier. I dont know if I was more in touch with myself, or just had something to hide behind. I guess we will see who I become this time.

175

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